nunoncastors

I cycle, yes? I do it quite a lot. It is, I suppose, my hobby. I pursue this hobby on a relatively inexpensive bike, with a few extras of intermediate cost, and I cover around 100 miles a week. It is not all-consuming, but it is fun and I do enjoy myself.

Why, then, have I just seen the fattest man in the universe, someone who clearly doesn’t cycle any further than the fudge factory, trundle past me on a bike worth just under £4,000? It is a cycle I would literally kill for, and here he is grinding the gears and riding it into kerbs as though it were nothing.

Obviously I’m jealous, but what the fuck world, what are you playing at?

I believe this concept to be the single greatest misnomer in the history of the universe mainly, it must be said, because no one can convince me that sitting in your pants watching daytime TV and going out for lunch counts as work. Bastards.

I be a Pirate!

The anti-piracy lobbyists would have you believe that going to the cinema is an experience worth paying for, that it is a somehow superior environment in which to enjoy a film. This, as I’m about to go on at length about, is utter bollocks.

Last night I went to see Terminator Salvation, the most ridiculous film ever made. John Connor, it would seem, has become a complete tit who seems to think that clubbing a terminator with the butt of a rifle will have some sort of effect beyond breaking your rifle. Mind you, he also seems to think you can restart a heart by dropping on someone’s chest with your elbow while screaming ‘COME ON!’ but that’s beside the point.

What is the point is that I paid £7.50 last night instead of downloading a copy of the film and, for my money, received little beyond tedium and irritation. You might think, being in the cinema already, that they’d perhaps ease off with the anti-piracy adverts given you’ve already paid the requisite fee to ‘enjoy the experience’. But no, five minutes of tedious shit implying that downloading movies will kill babies while having poor picture quality and sound that will give you aids had to be endured before…

ADVERTS! Half-a-fucking-hour of advertisements filled with people trying to sell me shit I don’t want, don’t need and can quite happily live without. Consume and be happy? No thanks, how about you take your cans of Pepsi and your Daz SUPER AWESOME and fucking shove it.

Then, of course, there were the trailers for other films in the hope, presumably, that I’ll want to come back and watch some more adverts in the future. This seems unlikely.

Your choices, then, would appear to be simple. You can spend money that you’ve slaved away earning on massively overpriced snacks that taste like ass, forty minutes of continuous marketing, twenty minutes of uninspiring film snippets, messages that have no meaning and, finally, a film that is probably going to disappoint the shit out of you. Or, you could download the film while doing other things you want to do, avoid all the shit-filled preamble of ‘the experience’ and, if you like it, buy the DVD later and still be branded a thief.

Not exactly a difficult choice, is it?

You will be pleased to know that, despite the summertime being a regular occurrence for millennia now, and despite the fact that people live in much warmer climes all over the world, our glorious nation has a plan in place for when it gets *gasp* warm and sunny.
Sadly, it’s much like the plans in place for when it gets all cold and snowy. Yep, you’ve guessed it; The Ministry for the Blindingly Obvious has swung into action and begun patronising the shit out of us on the basis that no one in this country has ever experienced any form of seasonal weather before.
See, it turns out that people who are at risk of dying anyway – the aged, the infirm, the sick and the terminally stupid – are still at risk of dying when the weather becomes *oh noes* hot. Fortunately, advice and support has been prepared. Hooray!

• Avoid gardening, DIY and sport during the hottest parts of the day and wear a hat outdoors. – Genius!
• Keep plenty of water to hand and stay in the shade where possible. – Groundbreaking!
• Identify the coolest room in the house to use as a room to cool down or sleep in. – Are you fucking kidding me?

Here’s an article in the Guardian that deals with the plan in more detail. Read it, it could save your life.

I disapprove of in-car sat-navs; I figure that if you need a little box dictating your actions then you deserve to be lost and alone. That’s quite aside from my theory that getting lost from time to time is good for the soul and provides a little bit of excitement and exploration for otherwise mundane little lives.

My main reason for disliking sat-navs though, is this. Have you ever been stuck behind someone who is paying absolutely no attention to where they’re going because they’re too busy peering at a glowing little box? I have, and they’re a fucking menace: random lane changes, sudden veering down side-roads before veering back, and endless-bloody-dawdling while they wait for something you plug into a fag lighter to tell them what to do.

My solution is simple. You either learn to plan your journey like any sane person, or you don’t get to drive – ever – because you don’t deserve to go anywhere.

“Immortal songs of maximum power.”
I have no idea what this quote was in relation to, but it pleased me greatly to overhear it. Also this:
“Well, the tragedy is over. The failure is complete. I turn my head and go away. I took my share in this fight for the impossible.”
But I think that’s Camus and [...]

Having been either overweight or obese for most of my life, I’m finally reaching a point where I could, on a good day, be described as physically average. I still maintain my deep loathing of running, jogging, and anything else that isn’t strolling, but I am no longer incapable of covering more than ten feet [...]

Things that I need to buy by the end of the year:
Car insurance £300
M.O.T £150-ish I reckon
Car Tax £190
Ski boots £200-ish
Skiing holiday £Oh god, it hurts!
Flights to Japan £6-700
Bike rack £120
Panniers £100
Cycle shoes £80
Clipless pedals £40
Likelihood of purchasing any of these things (out of ten):

Car insurance 10
M.O.T 10
Car Tax 10
Ski boots 2
Skiing holiday 5
Flights to [...]

I’m participating in the Great Nottinghamshire Bike Ride on Sunday and, in keeping with time-honoured tradition, the weather is lining up to be utterly shite. Last year we had to contend with ridiculous headwinds, this year it would seem that it intends to rain in my face until I almost forget how awesome I am.
This [...]