nunoncastors

As has been previously mentioned, two office parties took place recently and I had some small reservations about drinking sensibly (no really, I did drink sensibly) and dancing in front of my work colleagues. It turns out that I need not have been worried as everyone disgraced themselves equally and without prejudice.

I’ve been thinking about the most tactful way of describing these events without explicitly implicating others as not everyone is down with the net and I don’t wish to cause any untoward upset. I’ve settled upon a checklist. You could print it out and use it at your own Christmas party, maybe add some checks of your own.

So, naming no names, here’s a checklist of what went down on Thursday at the I.T Department’s Christmas shindig.

• Embarrassing personal details revealed. Check.
• Rumours started. Check.
• Story regarding an indiscretion with a Vicar’s daughter, his bed and a bit of Greek love told. Check.
• With actions? Check.
• Get blind drunk. Check.
• Eat too much. Check.
• Kebab? Check.
• Chest hair comparison competition. Check.
• Dignity retained. No.
• Victory achieved. Yes.
• Insult work colleague whilst drunk. Check.
• Insult work colleague in their absence whilst drunk. Check.
• They find out. Not yet.
• Remove colleague’s shoes and throw them across a bar. Check.
• Support colleague unable to move/walk/speak/all three. Check.
• Make ridiculous claim/bet/offer. Check.
• Be propositioned by a work colleague. No.
• Have some portion of your body stroked by work colleague. Check.
• Tell everyone “you’re my best mate you are.” Check.
• Dance. Check.
• Badly? Oh hell yeah.
• Suffer mental blocks for the most embarrassing portions of the evening and claim they never happened. Check.
• Throw up? Unsure.
• Be unaware of how you got home. Check.
• Wake up housemates. Check.
• Strew clothes around the house. Check.
• Break something. Check.

And then on Friday at Company X’s Christmas Party, as above but with the addition of:

• Be propositioned by work colleague. Check.
• Accept? Nope.
• Damage an item of clothing beyond repair. Check.
• Your own? No.
• Rubbing of ice cubes where they shouldn’t be rubbed. Check.
• On/by you? No.
• Lap dance. Check.
• Your boss? Naturally.
• More chest wig comparisons. Many, many more.
• Stagger home on your own. Check.
• Wonder if you have a job on Monday. Check.
• Do you? Yes.

I’ll point out now that I was not involved in all of these events, just most of them. I may or may not be proud. I may or may not be embarrassed. All I know is that Christmas parties are a dangerous thing but incredibly enjoyable. There’s sufficient material from two nights out to be making jokes for years.

I do have to purchase some underwear however. Wedgies can go too far sometimes.

Thank god there’s no photos.