nunoncastors

It is probably wrong that I want one of these.

More so that I would probably wear it.

Well it seems some of us are a mite sensitive when it comes down to gender stereotyping doesn’t it? I notice no one had anything to say about this. Interesting.

Anyway, for the sake of the interweb (dot com) I hereby promise never to be lazy and post anything deliberately contentious found in my inbox again.

You know, not unless I think it’s going to be as much fun as this time.

Your all gay.

And then there was discourse…

As part of my aparently burgeoning misogyny I would like to share the following. It will be of no use to you at all.

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use “fine” to describe how a woman looks -this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING

This means “something,” and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. ‘Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine.”

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word Fine.”

WHATEVER (Normal Eyebrows)

This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care.” You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing.”

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a nonverbal statement. “Soft Sighs” mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow.”

GO AHEAD

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay.”

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from “Thanks.” A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh.” Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh,” as she will only tell you “Nothing.”

Any offerings of a misandrous nature will be posted in a similarly disinterested fashion. It has been a long day.

This isn’t as Emo (I use that term too often I think) as you’d imagine. I’m not about to start discussing the bleakness of the human condition and I’m not about to tell you all that my soul is like a small kitten in a way no one will grasp. No. My soul is not kitteny. It is a breeding place for ire.

Let there be exposition.

Today I ventured into the dark heart of West Bridgford sufficiently far to enter the bank. My bank. The place where my fortune (38p) is kept. I’ve always been slightly disappointed that all banks do not have a daunting Dickensian edifice and a man with a top hat stood outside but that is not central to the story. No. What is central to the story is this, people are not aware of the world around them. Only the vaguest semblance of cognizance flickers behind dead eyes as they drudge through an existence they clearly do not treasure.

Why?

I think it is because we’ve been stupefied beyond a point where we notice anything beyond our own cares and desires. Our senses have been numbed by a culture that constantly bellows at you to consume, give, take, wear, conform, rebel, listen, see, say, do. Think about it. Walk down your local high street and count how many adverts you see, watch TV and think about how many images assail you urging you to do one thing or another. Read a paper, listen to the radio, go for a walk, answer your own phone for fucks sake. How many begging phone calls do you get about double glazing? How many people with placards want you to give them money or support this that and the other? How much junk mail do you get?

It is a never ending stream of shite. Bombarded with image after image, blurb after blurb, and offer after offer its no wonder people are shutting down.

Today I had to make my way down the high street dodging around people who either have no idea of where they’re going or are only aware of themselves. Two people stopped dead a pace in front of me for no apparent reason; a man walked straight out of a shop door and, if not for my weaving out of the way, would have clattered straight into me. No one apologised, no one even noticed what they were doing. It was worse in ASDA and frankly obscene in the bank. I walked up to the doors, held one open for the lady following me and I swear, I SWEAR, she didn’t even notice I was there. For all she was concerned I was nothing more than a fade, an apparition.

Tell me. When did you last take the time out to appreciate a starry night sky? Do you even notice when the sky is filled with stars? Do you know what colour your best friend’s eyes are? Do you notice the little incidental things in life anymore? Do you ever wonder about those stairs you sometimes see by the sides of motorways? Where do they go? What are they for? Do you still have your sense of wonder? Do you ever wonder why?

Or do you avoid looking at anything and stop in the middle of the street to stare blankly into a shop window?

Are you still with us?