Monthly Archive for September, 2007

Just do as I say

Me: Morning, just a quick email to see what else you require installing on your laptop beyond Office, Adobe Reader, Flash and the usual stuff.

Them: Come and see me to discuss.

Me: I can’t, not really, I’m a bit snowed under. It’ll probably be easier if you reply with a list of things you need.

Them: Please call me to discuss.

Me: Please just send me an email listing any software that you regularly use/require and I’ll install it on your new laptop. I’m not going to get the chance to call you or pop up to your floor to discuss, things are a bit hectic down here as the dev server is down.

Them: The time it took, you could have called while you were replying to my last mail…

Me: The time it took to reply was due to my being elbow deep in the dev server because, as I’ve said before, I’m busy and it’s broken.

Dev Server > Lunch (which I should be on) >> You.

Now, while we’re making snide remarks, during the time it took you could have written a fucking list. A list. A. Fucking. List. It isn’t exactly a difficult task is it? Though, evidently it is one that’s beyond you. Now, do you want this laptop or not?

You do?

Well ok then, for the last and final time, write me a fucking email with your list of software requirements and I’ll get it sorted. If you don’t, the whole shebang is going to go the first person to furnish me with, you’ve guessed it, a list of their software requirements.

Them: Visio, VMWare, Fireworks, Dreamweaver, FileZilla, VPN access.

Me: Bravo.

Because censorship annoys me

I think you should read this and this and this and this.

Oh, and if you get the opportunity, read this as well.

Obviously I have no opinion one way or the other on the matter, and I certainly can’t speak for the veracity of the articles, I just think you should read them because they’re interesting.

Oh, and a big thanks to FastHosts for hosting this site. Good work guys.

Inadvertent promotion

I am twenty-six years old and, thus far, have managed coast along without really doing anything and avoiding as much responsibility as possible. I have been as unto a ghost, a lazy, lazy ghost. I was the kid at school who never did their homework because they knew they didn’t have to; they’d still get a decent grade. Sure, I could’ve had straight A’s; I could also have given up my evenings because teachers can’t do their job in the time allotted to them. Fuck. That. I had football to be playing and adventures to be having.

This approach carried over into work. I’ve had job, after job where, if I’m honest, I could’ve tried a lot harder and done a lot better if I’d really wanted to. That would require effort though wouldn’t it?

Now, however, I have no choice. Fate has pulled strings and pissed about and now I have no choice. Despite my desire to avoid all responsibility and take things easy, I’m not in a position where I cannot avoid responsibility because there’s only me to do the job. This is distressing.

It’s about time however.

Why I love my friends

They send me text messages like this:

Beer after work. It shall be so. 5:15 Strat.

For those of you not in the know, the Stratford Haven, or Strat, is our local pub and a beer after work puts the world to rights. I heartily recommend it.

In other news, I’m twenty-six today and still awesome. That’s a winning streak of over a quarter of a century, people. Impressive.

Contempt

There are at least two days in a month where my mood will swing from its usual glassy plain of quiet malevolence to a place of outright malice and bile. During this time it can be safely said that I dislike everything and everyone most vehemently and would benefit greatly from being left alone, miles from any other person, until the pendulum swings back and I can resume masking the more supercilious aspects of my personality again.

Unfortunately this never happens at a weekend, when I’d be able to avoid people with relative ease, but during the week, at work, when I’m surrounded by a thousand tiny irritants I have no way of avoiding. Today is one of those days.

Thus far:

07:40 – Wake up to the sound of alarm clock being a noisy bastard. Decide that all modern music is shit because the first thing I hear it playing is an R&B track about Nigger’s, Bitches and Ho’s – their words, not mine – there were also some diamonds mentioned. Fucking rubbish.

Mood: Irritable.

08:08 – Having had a shower and dried off, somehow snag silk tie on a clothes hanger and pull a thread. Snap wooden clothes hanger in half for being a shit and dump it in the bin, which tips over. Kick bin across the room, the awkward bastard.

Mood: Grim.

08:15 – 08:50 – Walk to work and brood. Become inordinately angry that someone has defaced the war memorial, wish painful and harrowing death upon them and their ilk. Walk straight through a group of chavs hogging the entire pavement and issuing insults to passers by. Threaten over-the-top retaliation if they so much as look at me again.

Mood: Seething.

08:51 – Get pestered by man with no brain about something that has fuck all to do with me before I’ve even made it to my desk. Issue one word answers in a tone that cannot be perceived as anything other than threatening.

Mood: Hateful.

09:35 – Am issued orders by someone thinking they’re more important than they are because they’ve been at the company for years, receive snide comments from said person for unknown reason.

Mood: Vindictive.

09:40 – Delete all personal files from snide person’s computer. Half a gig of photographs, mp3’s and videos wiped, access locked down so that only work related actions can be performed on said computer. False browsing history inserted into IE, neutered Trojan dropped onto the box and used as reason for loss of files and justification for the lock down. User told ‘diddums’ when complaining.

Mood: Grimly satisfied.

10:17 – Man with no brain asks nth pointless question of the day having already wasted my time by locking his user account, making up problems that don’t exist and trying to engage me in conversation. Put forth the full force of my loathing by willing him to die, right here, right now. Sadly, man keeps talking. Mind powers fail me again. Bastards.

Mood: Beyond vitriol.

10:20 – 12:45 – Series of trivial and therefore annoying things go wrong, culminating in my spending 20 minutes in the server room calming down before everything goes horribly wrong and I start shouting at people. Discover that being asked if I’m ok increases the foulness of my mood tenfold. Shoelaces have begun to piss me off along with anyone who speaks, makes a noise or is near me.

Mood: Bubbling wrath.

13:00 – Eating my lunch on Market Square, a canvasser starts trying to solicit money from me for orphaned puppies or some shite. Explode. Point out that I’m eating my lunch, am having a shitty day and that the last thing that I want is to have some clipboard wielding gimp attempt to guilt-trip me into donating five pounds a month to a worthy cause. It’s called charity because people do it out of the goodness of their hearts, voluntarily, not because some twat corners them and bleats on about giving five minutes of their time and helping out. How about leaving people the fuck alone and if they want to give, they will.

Mood: That calm place on the other side of fury.

Tomorrow, hopefully, the loathing will have gone away and I’ll be able to interact properly with people again.

Something beautiful

Pottering about on the internet today, I stumbled across something beautiful. It’s the following passage from Màrtainn MacGilleMhàrtainn in his book A Description of the Western Isles of Scotland (1703) describing the people of the Isle of Rona.

“They take their surname from the colour of the sky, rain-bow and clouds.”

Which, I rather think, is as it should be.

The edge of the world

In a few weeks I shall be moving away from the well known and comfortable surrounds of West Bridgford and into the relative unknown that is Netherfield. Currently, my feelings about this are somewhat mixed because, despite having lived in Nottinghamshire for my entire life and never more than ten miles distant from this ‘Nether Field’, my internal catalogue turns up almost nothing about the place when queried. I dislike the unknown.

Actually, that’s not strictly true. I mean, the Faroe Isles are a relative unknown to me – though I can point to them on a map – but I don’t really know what I’ll find if I indulge and make my planned trip up there next summer. Despite there being no particular difference in my lack of knowledge of these two disparate places, this particular hue of the unknown doesn’t bother me, I embrace it as part of the adventure. Yet moving house to a location not ten miles from my current abode bothers me.

I should probably point out at this point that it isn’t my house that I’ll be living in, my friend Duncan has bought himself a dwelling and I’ll be renting a room in the manner of Joey from Friends. Thus far I’m yet to see it; though I’m assured it’s nice. Not that it matters, it’s more about who you’re with than where you are and I think it’s going to be cool living with one of my best mates and Helen (his missus).

Assurances of pleasantness do not entirely salve my discomfort however. I’ve spent the day trying to collate all that I know about Netherfield and all I’ve managed to assemble is this paltry list.

  1. It’s the other side of the river.
  2. You go along the Colwick loop road to get there.
  3. It has a train station.
  4. It’s not far from Stoke Bardolph
  5. I think it’s where Graham Reed’s cycle shop is.
  6. Strong suspicion it’s full of chavs.

That’s it, that’s all I can link to Netherfield unaided. So I’ve been digging and I’ve discovered something harrowing.

There’s no library.

The adventure begins.

Wilfrid Wilson Gibson - Flannan Isle

Though three men dwell on Flannan Isle
To keep the lamp alight,
As we steer’d under the lee, we caught
No glimmer through the night!

A passing ship at dawn had brought
The news; and quickly we set sail,
To find out what strange thing might all
The keepers of the deep-sea light.

The winter day broke blue and bright,
With glancing sun and glancing spray,
As o’er the swell our boat made way,
As gallant as a gull in flight.

But, as we near’d the lonely Isle;
And look’d up at the naked height;
And saw the lighthouse towering white,
With blinded lantern, that all night
Had never shot a spark
Of comfort through the dark,
So ghastly in the cold sunlight
It seem’d, that we were struck the while
With wonder all too dread for words.

And, as into the tiny creek
We stole beneath the hanging crag,
We saw three queer, black, ugly birds–
Too big, by far, in my belief,
For guillemot or shag–
Like seamen sitting bold upright
Upon a half-tide reef:
But, as we near’d, they plunged from sight,
Without a sound, or spurt of white.

And still too mazed to speak,
We landed; and made fast the boat;
And climb’d the track in single file,
Each wishing he was safe afloat,
On any sea, however far,
So it be far from Flannan Isle:
And still we seem’d to climb, and climb,
As though we’d lost all count of time,
And so must climb for evermore.
Yet, all too soon, we reached the door–
The black, sun-blister’d lighthouse door,
That gaped for us ajar.

As, on the threshold, for a spell,
We paused, we seem’d to breathe the smell
Of limewash and of tar,
Familiar as our daily breath,
As though ’twere some strange scent of death:
And so, yet wondering, side by side,
We stood a moment, still tongue-tied:
And each with black foreboding eyed
The door, ere we should fling it wide,
To leave the sunlight for the gloom:
Till, plucking courage up, at last,
Hard on each other’s heels we pass’d
Into the living-room.

Yet, as we crowded through the door,
We only saw a table, spread
For dinner, meat and cheese and bread;
But all untouch’d; and no one there:
As though, when they sat down to eat,
Ere they could even taste,
Alarm had come; and they in haste
Had risen and left the bread and meat:
For on the table-head a chair
Lay tumbled on the floor.
We listen’d; but we only heard
The feeble cheeping of a bird
That starved upon its perch:
And, listening still, without a word,
We set about our hopeless search.

We hunted high, we hunted low,
And soon ransack’d the empty house;
Then o’er the Island, to and fro,
We ranged, to listen and to look
In every cranny, cleft or nook
That might have hid a bird or mouse:
But, though we searched from shore to shore,
We found no sign in any place:
And soon again stood face to face
Before the gaping door:
And stole into the room once more
As frighten’d children steal.

Aye: though we hunted high and low,
And hunted everywhere,
Of the three men’s fate we found no trace
Of any kind in any place,
But a door ajar, and an untouch’d meal,
And an overtoppled chair.

And, as we listen’d in the gloom
Of that forsaken living-room–
O chill clutch on our breath–
We thought how ill-chance came to all
Who kept the Flannan Light:
And how the rock had been the death
Of many a likely lad:
How six had come to a sudden end
And three had gone stark mad:
And one whom we’d all known as friend
Had leapt from the lantern one still night,
And fallen dead by the lighthouse wall:
And long we thought
On the three we sought,
And of what might yet befall.

Like curs a glance has brought to heel,
We listen’d, flinching there:
And look’d, and look’d, on the untouch’d meal
And the overtoppled chair.

We seem’d to stand for an endless while,
Though still no word was said,
Three men alive on Flannan Isle,
Who thought on three men dead.

Badgering the bank. Part 1

We join the story mid-way through. I’ve asked questions, I want answers. The bank, being the bank, is being vague or simply not bothering to answer them, behold the tedious repetition involved in finding out simple things from HSBC customer support.

Dear Mr Whyley

Thank you for your e-message dated 28 August 2007.

I regret to inform that it is not possible for us to provide a list on charges applied to your Bank Account. However, you can view charges that have been applied to your Bank Account via historic statements.

I confirm that you can view all transactions and charges on the last statement plus any made since, with the most recent first, up to 90.

Currently you can view historic statements up to six years old through the Historic Statements facility in Personal Internet Banking. You can do so by following the instructions below :

1. From ‘My Accounts’, select the account for which you wish to view your statement.

2. Next, click on the ‘My Statements’ icon located on the left-hand navigation panel.

3. Select the statement you wish to view.

The screen will display the first 100 transactions and charges. You can scroll the list to view more transactions and charges from the selected statement. You can sort the transactions from My Accounts in the following way :

o Date (ascending/descending)
o Type (alphabetical)
o Description (alphabetical)
o Amount paid in/out (descending)

You can click on the twistie next to the required column heading. The running balance will not show on any sort option other than date.

Should you require copy statements, please confirm your request via this e-messaging system and I will action it accordingly.

Further to your e-message, please be advised that I have passed your case on to the relevant department who will deal with it as soon as possible.

The reference number for this case is a number.

They will be in touch shortly.

Yours sincerely

Heidi Daniels
Manager Customer Credit Services

I’d like to point out that this is actually the best reply I’ve received from a bank’s customer support for a long time, she answered one of the questions I posed previously and therefore I like Heidi.

All is not well however.

Dear Heidi,

Thank you for your response, I must admit to being pleasantly surprised that you actually answered one of my questions. It’s nothing personal. But on previous occasions it’s taken much more badgering before this has happened. So thank you for that.

However, I’m less pleased with the department you’ve passed the rest of my queries to as all they’ve done is rephrase the original response I received and repeated things I already know in the hope that this’ll be sufficient. Unsurprisingly, it isn’t.

So, back to square one and addressing a few notes in their letter which, by the way, I don’t see the point in if you’ve got an online messaging system that does the job just as well. I mean, I’ve really no interest in spending money on postage and phone calls when I can contact you for free via the internet. And contact you I will, over and over again, until my questions are answered in a direct and non-dissembling fashion. I realise you’re only doing your job, and I hope you don’t take it personally, but I also hope you can see my point of view on this and understand my willingness to keep asking and asking and asking again until I’m happy.

Anyway, just to clarify, I don’t really consider it a complaint when all I want is questions answered in a straightforward fashion. I realise banks are prone to prevarication and vague responses in the hope that people get bored of asking questions, but that really isn’t the point. Being inquisitive isn’t the same as complaining, surely?

Right, on to the letter that you didn’t send but are having to deal with because, well, you’re a free point of contact and so far much more helpful than the people in my local branch and cheaper to speak to than the chap in Bangalore.

Firstly, I’m going to concede that payments into the loan account have indeed been erratic. Congratulations are in order for your colleague’s repetition of something I’ve already said and happily concede. I’ll also concede the arrears, courtesy of the copy statements I received, and I’ll be rectifying this shortly

Secondly, what I asked was, if the payments are in arrears (which I’m happy that they are now), why take £150 instead of either a) the minimum payment or b) the full amount of the arrears. £150 still appears to be an arbitrary sum in light of no one bothering to answer this question, it’s not a particularly difficult one, I’d be much obliged if you would.

Thirdly, I enquired if internet banking is governed by normal banking hours. Is it, yes or no. If it is, ok, late payment conceded, if not, then what the hell?

Fourthly, and this isn’t really a question but a demand, but deactivate the standing order from my bank account into the loan account. Do it now, do not reactivate it. Don’t vacillate, don’t tell fibs about being unable to, just do it. I went through god knows how much crap to get that thing turned off in order to allow me to pay my loan from another bank account which, as of October, is what I will be doing once again. I really don’t want to have to go through the palaver of asking for a copy of the terms and conditions with the section stating I have to pay my loan from a HSBC current account highlighted again. I didn’t get it last time, I doubt I’ll get it this time, it was annoying then; it’ll be annoying now. We both know it’s just a retention mechanism to keep people tied into their current account so please save us both the effort and turn it off. Cheers.

However, feel free to read through the correspondence that issue generated. It’ll give you an idea of just how many times I’m willing to repeat myself in the same irritating fashion for something that you probably see as a trivial matter. I wouldn’t ordinarily be so churlish, but it’s just so much hard work getting straight answers.

And finally, and I realise this will appear to be somewhat facetious, but what is it about banks that precludes straightforward replies? Seriously, why not just say yes, no, this is why, instead of all the claptrap you’re probably obliged to feed back? I swear, I’ll pay off the whole loan in one go if you manage to respond directly to the above with bullet points and answers that actually fit the questions.

Yours with a sense of having been here before,

James

PS. How come the bank can afford to pay itself £25 for a bounced direct debit but not the actual direct debit? I’d have thought with all the furore over illegal bank charges they’d have stopped all that sort of thing for the time being. Also, and this is being picky, if they hadn’t have taken that arbitrary £150, there’d have been enough cash to pay that direct debit in the account, wouldn’t there?

The next exciting instalment will be up as soon as I receive a response. Will Heidi go for broke and bluff her way into another diatribe from myself? Will I get the honest answers I so desire? Only time will tell.