nunoncastors

For reasons that are unimportant, I have ended up with two Amazon.co.uk accounts – I think at some point I must’ve just not paid attention and created a duplicate, I don’t know for certain – and caused myself a bit of confusion.

So, being the sensible chap that I am, I contacted Amazon to enquire if they could either merge the two accounts or delete the more recent one, preferably the former.

This, in today’s day and age, you would assume to be a simple matter and, indeed, the deletion of the duplicate account is. However, merging records appears to be somewhat more difficult as these following excerpts from Amazon’s email will illustrate. I’ve taken the liberty of commenting upon it because I’m bereft of anything better to do.

Dear Customer

Thank you for writing to Amazon.co.uk.

We understand that it is important to you to have a comprehensive record of your order history.

Ok, standard form letter stuff as you’d expect. Can’t be bothered with using my name, but what the hey, I’ll live.

Unfortunately, due to security concerns, we are unable to fulfil your request to merge your accounts. We are not currently able to honor any requests of this nature.

Yes, that’s right. Condensing all the information pertaining to me, my order history and so on and so forth, into a single record, rather than two, is a security concern. A security concern. Presumably this is because that copy of Albert Camus’ The Fall that I bought is a key part of my plan to overthrow the government and they’ll need to know which one of my many pseudonyms I bought it under, James Whyley or James Whyley.

You’d think they’d leap all over the opportunity to condense records and free up a bit of server space. But no, my desire to be neat and tidy has people reaching for panic buttons. Obviously, this makes sense.

Please know that we are not questioning your integrity, nor is it our intention to cause you any inconvenience or frustration.

Then why have such a fucking stupid policy in place? That’s all it does, it’s why I’m now writing a bitter tirade.

We hope that, as an Amazon.co.uk customer for some time now, you will appreciate our efforts to protect your confidential information, even if those efforts restrict your own access to it.

Yes, you read that correctly. They’re keeping my information safe, from me, the living embodiment of said information, its reson d’être. It’s the sort of doublespeak that Orwell used to have nightmares about and I’m supposed to appreciate it, what the buggery-fuck? Instead of merging my two records, I’m now deleting one of them. That isn’t restricting access to it, is it, it’s destroying it forever.

However before authorising us to close your account, please read the following information carefully. Please note that further action will be required in order to close your account.

Such as providing DNA samples presumably. My inside leg is 36” and my favourite colours are blue and orange and I don’t know about you, but deleting an account seems like more of a security risk than merging two of them into one.

Once your account is closed, it is no longer accessible by you or anyone else.

Except, presumably, the marketing department, trend analysts and sundry other corporate fucks that make a living from other people’s data.

I don’t know about you, but this sort of rubbish really hacks me off. At the end of the day, they’re a shop. A bloody shop. I couldn’t give a monkey’s about internal procedure because, ultimately, I pay them money to provide me with things and nothing more. If I want my data deleting, they do it, it’s about me, ergo mine. The same should apply if I want it merging, what’s the bloody problem?

When, exactly, did businesses start thinking they were in some way more important than the services they provide and where’s my copy of Camus, I’ve got a world to rule.