nunoncastors

I have been in love you know, and I’ve seen things you wouldn’t believe, things I can’t even begin to describe. I’ve cried myself to sleep for thoughts I no longer recall and borne a heart of stone for so long I thought I’d forgotten how to feel anything beyond a dull displeasure. I’ve attempted suicide, self-harmed, self-destructed and revelled in the sheer and uninhibited joy of simply existing. The man I am now no more resembles the man who awoke in my bed this morning than he does the one who lay quietly dying in a Leicestershire field one cold October morning. He isn’t the man I’ll be tomorrow, nor is he the man I’ll be next year, but he is me. All these forgotten people, the shadows of who I’ve been, a thousand people – a million – a countless multitude of faces looking out on days beyond recollection, yet here I am, now, the sum of all my experience.

People are complicated you see, infinitely fine and subtle in ways we can neither divine nor appreciate, marvels of our own making, masters of our own destinies, slaves to ourselves. As you sit and read this, wondering over my pompous diatribe, does it not strike you how amazing, how abhorrent we all are? We’re a creature of extremes – love, hate, all that lies between – and in each of us is the power to change the world, to affect every other soul on the planet, yet we wrap ourselves in boredom, devise ever more ingenious ways to sever ourselves from the world, it is astonishing.

I hope you’ll excuse the tone of this post, the nonsense, I was going to write about my holidays – Budapest, the most amazing party, my birthday with glorious friends – but since returning home I’ve felt, unusual, as though this gibberish has been bottled up for too long and travel has finally uncorked it. Or it could just be that I heard a song today that took me back to 1999, a time when I was very much in love with the girl I never told and suddenly, out of the blue, I appreciated how wonderful we are, and how terrible.

Have a good weekend ^_^