nunoncastors

Some would have you believe that tonight, as the witching hour draws near, the very walls of reality itself become mutable and torn as the spirits of the dead squirm through seeping cracks and fetid gullies to return to the world of the living.

This is of course bollocks. Dead people, in my experience, are renowned in every sense for remaining dead; the one notable exception being Jesus, who, technically, is a zombie*. And even if the dead didn’t remain firmly in the hereafter, I really don’t see why they’d adhere to an entirely arbitrary date to make their return. Do you honestly think the vengeful spirit of Hitler would wait until the end of October to invade the world of the living? Of course not, he’d come back in June and make a push towards Moscow ultimately being exorcised sometime in late December. Caught out by the cold, see?

Then there’s the whole ‘New Year’ thing, with Wiccans, Pagans and Neo-Pagans banging on about how their holiday was subsumed into Christianity and blah, blah, blah, whatever. It’s not as though any of the rites they carry out date any further back than the Romantic Movement that swept Europe in the 18th century. Which is fine, whatever works, right? But all the black lace, Olde Worlde incantations and eye-liner, really? You’re supposed to be practicing a religion, not pretending you’re Elvira, Mistress of the Dark.

Finally, there’s the reality of Halloween, someone knocking at your door every five minutes to demand sweets. Brilliant, you can use a doorbell, fuck off.

* Presumably he now turns cabbages into braiiiinnnnns or some such.