I do not particularly like PCSOs, they have a habit of mistaking me for someone else, wasting my time asking stupid questions and trying to be imposing. I wouldn’t object quite so much if they were policemen, proper policemen, but having your time stolen away by a monkey in a high-vis jacket and a little peaked cap is taking the piss as far as I’m concerned, yesterday was a case-in-point.
I’d decided to detour into town on my cycle home; I’d been playing badminton and fancied a bit more of a warm-down than my usual ride would offer, as riding into town adds about four miles to the journey it seemed to be the perfect solution. Clean. Sharp. Efficient. I was a genius.
Unfortunately, as I made my way past Waterstones and up the hill towards Hockley, two PCSOs stopped me.
“Could you stop for a moment, please?”
I stop. “Sure.”
“Can you get off the bike please, I’m not going to talk to you while you’re in the road.”
“What?”
“Get off the bike so we can have a word with you.”
“About what?”
“Get off the bike please, Sir.”
“No. In fact, I’ll be off now.”
At this point, one of them opted to stand in front of me and declare, somewhat dramatically, “You’re not going anywhere!” Well, needless to say I was impressed with his grasp of cliché and immediately began showing him the respect he deserved by laughing.
Eventually I stopped laughing because they both looked quite cross and wanted to know who I was and where I lived, which was nice, because they don’t actually have the authority to ask for that information unless you’re acting in an anti-social manner, which I wasn’t, so I laughed a bit more.
Then they got really cross and said that they were *gasp* calling a policeman. This made me so frightened that I enquired if they could be charged with wasting police time as a) I still had no idea what they wanted, and b) they’d certainly wasted enough of mine.
Finally, the bombshell was dropped; I fit the description of a man who had been thrown out of one of the bars for being drunk and threatening the staff.
“… Right, and do I seem drunk and aggressive to you?”
“Well, no.”
“That’s because I’m not, I’m tired and sarcastic. I do wonder though, did this aggressive drunk ride a bicycle from the scene of his shouting and flailing? Did he duck into a sports shop and buy a rucksack full of badminton kit? I suspect he didn’t. I’ll be off then.”
And so I was. Furiously off into the night, thirty minutes the poorer because two fuckwits can’t think for themselves. It’s not as though I was planning on doing anything with that half-hour, maybe keep it spare in case I wanted to do something that wasn’t standing around in the cold talking to idiots, but it’s the principle behind it. They stole thirty minutes of my life, thirty minutes I can’t get back.
You’re great!
I’ve not had many encounters with PCSOs, but only the other day I was sat in my local police station with real officers of the law.
One of them sat me down and instructed me to fill out a form relating to a collision that my stationary car had found itself in a couple of weeks back.
After twenty minutes of form-filling, I asked whereabouts on the form I could write the details of the man who owned the vehicle that caused the collision, as I’d obtained these details through my own investigative work a few days after the incident.
On hearing my question, the officer took the form out of my hands and ripped it up in front of me!!
Apparently, the driver of the offending vehicle had complied with the law by driving away from the scene of the crime without leaving his details, only due to the fact that I had since managed to catch up with the ‘criminal’ and get his business card!
Due to my actions, the police have no involvement. Only if I’d managed to get the number plate of the vehicle as it sped away, and two witnesses; one that happened to be a doctor, and the other that happened to be a virgin over the age of fourty with flowers in her hair, would my case stand up in court!
Lovely stuff!
I don’t think police people like boys.
You guys have wings of steel.
J, I take it because you now have enough details for an insurance claim they no longer care about him leaving the scene of an accident and breaking the law? That’s awesome, I’m so glad the Police care about doing there job where you live too.
jez, you’re thinking of Batfink.
Yes, I jolly well am and I love him.
Ha, Karate did all the work.
At least they are out on the street looking for criminals and engaging with the community. As a PCSO myself these are things we have to do, however, i would have informed the person on stopping them of the reasons for doing so. People have the wrong attitudes towards them but they are actually doing a good job gathering lots of local intelligence and engaging with the community. PCSO’s are doing what the public wanted more engagement with the Police.
While I’m sure there are many PCSOs that do a good job and aren’t, as I’ve experienced, idiots, I’m yet to meet any. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for the idea behind PCSOs, it’s just that the reality, in my own experience, bears little resemblance to it. The ones who tried to stop me taking photographs in Nottingham Station and confiscate my camera are a particular favourite as they didn’t have a clue regarding the law they were ham-fistedly trying to enforce.
Now, two questions for you. One, did you copy and paste your comment straight from a Government Approved list of rebuttals? I mean, “engaging with the community”, please, who actually speaks like that?
Two, what the public actually wanted was more police officers, not cut-price coppers with less thn half the remit. I realise that sounds harsh, but it’s like calling for firemen and getting a chap with a bucket of water and lots of good intentions. Ergo.
“The ones who tried to stop me taking photographs in Nottingham Station and confiscate my camera.”
When was this? Tell more please James… Im very interested, collecting these Nottingham PCSO stories for a current project.
’twas last summer, I believe. Bear with me and I’ll try and dig the correct post out.