Author Archive for james

The misery box

This morning I awoke to an empty house – which was a little odd considering I live with two other people – and plodded downstairs for a breakfast of pure joy.

Pure joy, you say? But how can such a thing be possible?

Well, I discovered that yet again my bicycle has a puncture, a puncture borne of some fat **** smashing glass all over the place. I realise that it shouldn’t make me as angry as it does, but it does, and I hope they choke on their microwave pizza, the bastard, because no bike and no housemates means public transport.

Oh. Dear. God.

I’ve never seen such a crowd of sallow-faced, dribbling testaments to the misery of the human condition as I witnessed this morning on the bus. I found myself sat next to a man who seemed to think he was entitled to two seats and wouldn’t move up until I explained it was either that or I use him as a cushion. No one spoke, no one smiled or said excuse me, or please or thank you. In fact, no one did anything much beyond sway like soulless automatons with the motion of the bus and look like someone’d shat in their cornflakes and nicked their Sky+ box.

And bugger me, but they pack them in; it was like being stuffed into the back of a cattle transport with a collection of social misfits. I realise that work is designed to crush the human spirit in the name of making money for some other bastard, but Jesus H. God, I don’t think anyone on that bus had any to start with.

Never again.

Crapocalypse now

I’ve been on the internet for well over fifteen years now, plumbing its depths, and I’ve changed. I’ve travelled the world and found myself in places and situations that I could never have dreamed of; I’ve met people, seen things, endured, and borne witness to sights that I once thought would turn my mind to ash and my resolve to the wobbliest of wobbly things – probably a really tasty jelly – but nothing, nothing¸ could have prepared me for what someone’s done to the toilets at work.

It’s like a festival of shit in there, as though someone’s set off a turd bomb in a poo factory.
Some people are no better than animals. >:(

Reality?

Yesterday’s post, silly as it was, is probably the most accurate representation of what goes on in my head that I’ve ever managed to capture in text. The reality of the situation in the office was that there was a disagreement about the making of tea centred largely on whose turn it really was, where the responsibility lay for fetching the milk, and why the tea hadn’t been made already. Where is it, you bastard? Where is the tea? God damn it MAKE THE FUCKING TEA! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHERE IS THE TEA?

Milk, two sugars, thanks.

That’s obviously not how I saw it, but there you go, we all have our own perspectives and mine, evidently, is rooted firmly in the land of make-believe. It would certainly explain my genuine if intermittent fear of zombies, the assumption that all woods are either haunted or hiding something eldritch, and habit of talking to the moon as though it were a person. It might seem ridiculous, but when the world around you is seen as something out of a book, it makes it that much more difficult for the forces of boredom to drag you down into the dull monotony of grey streets, dirty urchins and the prospect of having to do your laundry – and let’s face it, no one likes dirty pants*.

Sometimes, as I cycle home, I’m actually a spy delivering documents concerning the construction of the world’s largest cream bun and tank factory as part of an intricate plot to overthrow the evil Muffin Men and their shadow government. No one must know of this however, and fortunately my shouts of “vengeance!” on overtaking fellow cyclists are misinterpreted as idiocy on my part. Ah, but soon the joke will be on them, oh yes, and their shadowy masters will taste delicious cream-filled justice.

Then again, and quite apart, sometimes the journey home is in fact the bitter retreat of our rearguard from the broken fields at Corrain’s Gate. We fought well, however outnumbered, and held the line until the last; but weight of numbers can count for a lot in war, and even seasoned veterans tire. The last few miles along the river were the worst of it, dark and strewn about with shattered stone and shambling figures. It’s a wonder any of us made it back to the barricades by the Iron Lines, and little respite, for tomorrow we march to war again. Nine ‘til five.

I feel I should be more concerned than I am.

*I said no one. No amount of googling on your behalf will sway me on this.

The office tea run

There is no victory in war, no glory, just the endless grind of flesh through the machine. No pity, no emotion, no anything in the end…

Capt. N. Oncastors, 4th Talloran Regiment
Siege of Durumsun 965

We stormed the gates at 0750 and breached the outer wall near the southern redoubt and Cobbler’s Knoll. The Brightlances ran into trouble on the open ground near the citadel, but it was nothing we hadn’t seen before; I knew they’d hack their way through eventually. Still, I sent some men to assist. The counterattack was a surprise, we thought the garrison weakened and demoralised after so many months of siege, no one expected to have to press in close with short swords and knives.

I’ve never liked killing people, but there’s something worse about being able to see their eyes up close. You don’t think about it at the time but eventually it gets to you, you start to wonder who you are anymore, if the man the folks back home knew is already dead and you just resemble him in form if not character. It’s the sort of thinking that can get you killed out on the battlefield, but anyone who’s been in the job long enough will have had their moments of doubt. You try not to dwell on it and get on with things, but it’s not easy.

The fight lasted over an hour, maybe two; we lost thirty men in the end, mostly in the counterattack. I’ve had worse days. Storming the walls like this can go very wrong if you’re unlucky; I was at Barastan and that was as bad as it gets. So yeah, not too bad all things considered, you’d think they’d have given up by now though. We’ve been through this a thousand times and it’s definitely their turn to make the tea, this just proves it.

We have a winner

My congratulations to the guys at The Lonely Island for producing something truly epic.

The Deep 11/09/08

IMG_1775.JPGIMG_1787.JPGIMG_1816.JPG IMG_1817.JPGIMG_1830.JPGIMG_1836.JPG IMG_1839.JPGIMG_1845.JPGIMG_1846.JPG

The Deep, it’s in Hull - which is bad - but it’s full of fish - which is awesome, you should go.

Gallery: The Deep

 

Discourse

Have you ever met someone who just doesn’t understand that you want them to go away? I have, he’s a crazy old dude that lives near me and will talk to you about – fuck knows, actually, but you can’t get a word in edgeways as he gibbers and gesticulates. If you walk away, he follows, if you politely inform him you’re in a hurry, he ignores, and if you, as I did, eventually give up and tell him to never speak to you ever, ever again, he carries on with even more vigour.

I concede that in all possibility I’m being a terrible person in neglecting to speak to this lonely old man, that maybe he’s simply so tragically sad that talking to anyone at all gives him reason to go on, but you know what? I really, really don’t care. I’ve tried being nice, I’ve tried having a conversation and listening to what he has to say (a diatribe on cats pooing in his garden) and I’m now bored with the way he simply talks at me without pause. I feel sorry for him, true, but that’s mitigated somewhat by my feeling that he doesn’t really need a person to talk to and could manage just as well with a post.

Google Earth accused of aiding terrorists

An Indian Court has been called to ban Google Earth amid suggestions the online satellite imaging was used to help plan the terror attacks that killed more than 170 people in Mumbai last month.

A petition entered at the Bombay High Court alleges that the Google Earth service, “aids terrorists in plotting attacks.” Advocate Amit Karkhanis has urged the court to direct Google to blur images of sensitive areas in the country until the case is decided.

There are indications that the gunmen who stormed Mumbai on November 26, and the people trained them, were technically literate. The group appears to have used complex GPS systems to navigate their way to Mumbai by sea. They communicated by satellite phone, used mobile phones with several different SIM cards, and may have monitored events as the siege unfolded via handheld Blackberry web browsers.

Police in Mumbai have said the terrorists familiarised themselves with the streets of Mumbai’s financial capital using satellite images, according to the sole gunman to be captured alive. The commandos who stormed the Taj Mahal Palace hotel in Mumbai said the militants had made a beeline for the building’s CCTV control room.

The legal petition also follows unconfirmed reports that Faheem Ahmed Ansari, a suspected militant who was arrested in the northern state of Uttar Pradesh in February, said he was shown maps of Indian locations on Google Earth by members of Lashkar-e-Taiber, the Pakistan-based terrorist faction that Indian officials are convinced was behind the Mumbai attacks.

Ansari was carrying a fake Pakistani passport and a list and maps of nine targets in southern Mumbai, including the Taj Mahal hotel and other sites attacked last month, a senior police officer told The Times.

Security agencies have called for the wealth of data available on Google Earth to be limited for several years amid fears the freely available application may prove invaluable for militants planning terrorist attacks.

In 2005, the operators of Australia’s nuclear reactor at Lucas Heights called on the internet giant to censor images of the plant, warning that the images could be used by terrorists.

Earlier, the satellite photographs of the installation would have been available only to a handful of government agencies and NASA, they said.

In the same year, it was reported that Google omitted to blur the roof of the White House in Washington when it updated the images available on Google Earth – something it had done previously.

South Korea and Thailand also complained after the layout of air bases was revealed.

The Mumbai terrorists concentrated their attacks in south Mumbai, a popular tourist location. However, the plea filed with the Bombay High Court claims that Google Earth includes “absolutely no control to prevent misuse or limit access” to details of nearby sensitive locations, such as the Bhabha Atomic Research Centre.

The complaint comes just weeks after India said it would launch its own version of Google Earth.

The project, dubbed Bhuvan (Sanskrit for Earth), is being developed by the Indian Space Research Organisation (Isro), which is based in Bangalore, the Silicon Valley of the subcontinent.

It comes as India redoubles its efforts to reap profits from its 45-year-old space programme, long criticised as a drain on a country where 700 million people live on USD2 a day or less.

Bhuvan will use a network of satellites to create a high-resolution, birds-eye view of India – and later, possibly, the rest of the world – that will be accessible at no cost online and will compete with Google.

Isro officials say Bhuvan will provide images of far greater resolution than are currently available online – particularly of the subcontinent, a region where large areas remain virtually unmapped.

The agency intends to refresh its images every year – a feature that would give it an edge over its biggest rival and help keep track of the frenetic pace at which India’s cities are growing.

About 2.5 million people used Google Earth in the UK last month, according to Neilsen, the web analysts, making it the web’s seventh most popular application behind tools such as Apple’s iTunes (fourth with 5.7 million users) and Windows Live Messenger (first with 14.8 million).

Source: Times Online

That’s right, some maps have been accused of detailing the location of roads, mountains, buildings etc. Also, in complaints soon to be filed, speaking has been proven to aid in discussion and planning, air has been implicated in a new Bin Laden plot to continue breathing and water, we drink it, so do they!!!!11!1!11!one!eleventy!11!!ZOMG!

Talk about pointing fingers.

Sarcasm

What a brilliant piece of investigative journalism, congratulations. It’s possible to buy counterfeit goods from eBay and Amazon Marketplace. It’s a good job Watchdog are there to protect us.
- minispecial

That’s right, Watchdog, in an effort to save us all, have descovered the internet. If I knew how to type a slow-hand clap, I would.

Point well made

Over at Wellington Grey.